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Striving to answer the call to motherhood and wifeyhood with joy, Jesus, and crazy dancing.

Adoption Loss: Thinking of My Almost Daughter on Mother’s Day

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I hope all of the mammas out there had a fantastic Mother’s Day weekend. I had a lot of fun! The kids slept in, they were perfect angels in church, and I scored the very last white frosted, filled long john at the gas station. Ahhhh, the simple things in life!

It took longer than expected for me to become a mother. For years, I remember holding back sobs as the priest asked all of the mothers to stand for a special blessing during Mother’s Day mass. I’m so very thankful for my little miracles. I love that I can say I have sons! I have sons!

Last month my husband and I were expecting to welcome the next little miracle into our family, a daughter. Unfortunately, the adoption fell through.

While I spent this Mother’s Day so grateful for my little boys, a little piece of me mourned for the little girl that I thought would call me mommy.

I’m praying for her, her birthmother, and for everyone who has experienced an adoption loss.

Waiting on our next miracle

To my sweet almost baby girl.

I never had the chance to meet you and you will never know who I am, but if I could, I would tell you how much I loved you while I thought you were going to be my daughter.

My heart was pounding with joy as the agency first told me about you and that your birthmother had chosen us as your forever family. We had all been praying for you and for your birthparents for so long and we were so thankful to finally learn about you!

I was so excited to tell your daddy about you for the first time. I wrote him a letter from you that said you were only about 3 pounds and still warm and cozy in your birthmom’s belly. The letter ended with, “P.S. Will you walk me down the aisle someday daddy?”

He was so shocked and happy, “A little girl. A little girl!”

You were due to arrive the day after my birthday and you would have been the best birthday blessing ever! I had visions of our future April birthday celebrations.

We prayed for you constantly, for your health and protection. We never stopped praying for your birthmother either.

And then it seemed like your birthmother had changed her mind and you were suddenly ripped from our future.

I hadn’t even held you in my arms yet, but I already missed you. I had already fallen in love with you and your birthmother and now you were both never going to be part of our lives. I cried…a lot.

A few months passed, but I could never quite let you go. I prayed for you and your birthmom every day. I’d imagine your birthmom at her job, on her feet for hours, and I’d ask God to bring her comfort, strength, energy, and peace.

Then, a week before your due date, something changed again and it looked like you were suddenly going to be my daughter!

We were just so thankful and excited to finally meet you and your birthmom.

Your big brothers talked about, “bringing baby sister home.”

We packed up all kinds of lovely baby girl goodies and traveled to meet you.

I imagined God being with your birthmom, calming her fears and easing her pain during the C-section. I asked God to place His healing hands on your birthmom’s belly and body to take away her pain after the surgery. I asked God to totally engulf and protect you in His loving embrace.

We waited and prayed and waited. And again, it became clear that you wouldn’t be our baby girl after all.

Day after day, I’ve prayed for you, my sweet almost baby girl.

I’ll never know why our paths crossed the way they did and for only a short time, but I trust in God’s plans for both of us. Perhaps you or your birthmother needed a sea of extra love sent your way or a mountain of prayers prayed for your health and safety. I know we were at least able to share that with you. May God bless and protect your future my sweet almost daughter.

To those suffering from the pain of adoption loss, may God give you strength.

Love,

Natasha

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Original photo by Katie Frank Photography.

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13 thoughts on “Adoption Loss: Thinking of My Almost Daughter on Mother’s Day

  1. Being good friends with a family that just adopted 3 at once for the first time, I found your blog. I simply want to say that I’m sorry for your loss, and the heartache that will cause.

    Though it’s been a lifetime ago, as a birth mom, I know how hard it is, that decision and I hope these words from a stranger may offer some comfort.

    May God watch over you as your blessings continue and the healing begins.

    Lin

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  2. I’m sorry for your loss, Natasha. I agree that there was a reason why the thought of this baby girl was given to you, and I bet it was so she and her family could garner the benefit of your beautiful prayers.
    I hope the next available little girl will be yours forever.

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  3. Wow – what a difficult time this must be for you. I am sorry that it has been quite the rollercoaster ride for you and your family. I will pray for that little girl and for your family.

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  4. Thank you for sharing so beautifully. My parents experienced an adoption loss like this when I was a teenager. I remember the excitement at the thought of our new addition, then the mourning for the little sister who would never be mine. Praying for you to have an aha moment later when you hold that little girl who is meant to be forever yours.

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  5. This must be so heartbreaking 😦 I am so sorry

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  6. This is so heartbreaking. I can’t imagine the pain of losing your almost daughter not once, but twice. You are such a strong woman, and it is so wonderful for you to pray for the birth mother. I’ll say a prayer for all of you.

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  7. I am so sorry that happened to you and your family, I could only imagine how heartbreaking that is.

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